Sunday, March 28, 2010

News that has no use.

While we are waiting for lambs, let's keep abreast of all the important goings on in Northern Scott county- shall we? For those of you who are new to my blog, this segment highlights all of pulse-pounding drama and criminal activities that happen here on the East coast of central Iowa as documented in the police report section by our local, rural newspaper. This much treachery and nefarious activity could not possibly happen in one week's time, which is how often the paper comes out, so I save the more intriguing snippets and compile them here-just for you.

The first item of business is this blatant disregard for peace and order.....

Maybe I am being naive here, but isn't loud music the hallmark of Ice Cream truck?

This next story struck me mostly because of the brutal language involved.
"Ha!" "What?"

Oh, the horror! Someone, quickly get those children a bowl of chips and put them back in front of the video games where they belong!!! We can't have children playing OUTSIDE!

Did they really need to turn him in to the resource officer? Was he made to sit in the Principal's a teeny tiny chair? These are just some of the things that I think about when I hear these disturbing stories.

For me, driving into someone else is always the best means to conflict resolution.

As much as I was concerned for the welfare of this poor fellow lost in the trees, it occurred to me that 'East Iowa street' is in town, and being that we live in Iowa, there are not vast expanses of forest abounding. Curiosity got the better of me and I located the area in question.................

A few trees between the railroad tracks and the road. In defense of the poor man lost in the trees, the time stamp on this report was 1:38 in the morning and Del's bar was just a few short blocks away.

It's a good thing that there is not a lot of identifying information in that report about the lost keys, we wouldn't want just anyone to be able to walk in and say, "Has there been a set of keys turned in with a NY ring, two keys and a mini flashlight?"

What? Juveniles using foul language? This is exactly the kind of thing that we have a police force for!

Hide the women and children! Five motorcyclists can only mean one thing-there are five people on motorcycles. People on motorcycles=bad!

Ummm, problem solved then.

This guy has more trouble than a motorcycle gang riding into town.

This was perhaps my favorite. I PROMISE you, my friends, I don't make this stuff up. If you think that here in the Midwest we don't have celebrity encounters on a regular basis, this just goes to show you how wrong you are. Not only do we have celebrities, but they come here to wreak havoc on poor, unsuspecting, law-abiding citizens.

We are on to you, Cindy Crawford!

If you are a glutton for punishment, click here to read previous news posts.


Michelle said...

Thanks for the momentary diversion. Brava is sailing through day 149 of her pregnancy without a so much as a squat, and I'm losing my MIND!

Christine said...

Whah, ha, ha, ha! This is so like my hometown news that also came out once a week. Thank you for the jog down memory lane.

Ebonwald Cardigans said...

HA HA HA. These blogs always make me cry from laughing so hard! I love that you investigated the tree thing!!


And I love love love these posts! I can't wait until next time I come down! I'll see Reeves and Crawford too I bet!

LLA Creations Art Dolls said...

Love the post! At least you have a newspaper to amuse yourself! Our excitement is when there is a different vehicle going by...yeehaw!

Donna said...

Loved your post...very much what I remember from my local weekly newspaper where I grew up. I now live a little farther North where we have a one room police station with two full time officers...(one at during the day). Can you say Mayberry? The funniest incident that I recall was when someone actually "toilet papered" the police station one Halloween!!I LOVE living in the country where this is the kind of crime we deal with....thanks for the laugh!!!

Miss Effie said...

OMG! I LOVE it when you do this!

Dels .... closing time... lost in trees. TOOOO funny! I am a little upset though that I was never mistaken for Cindy Crawford when we delivered the paper! I'm certain there is blond hair under this gray wig!

Nothing like the news in the NSP!

tbsomeday said...

that was the best thing i've read in a LONG time!!!
lol--you are a funny funny girl!

i love them all
and i about lost it when i saw you posted a picture of the forest in question

oh, and i love the use of the word, "nefarious"
very intellectual for a monday

ps--off to read past posts now :)

Nancy K. said...

You always make me smile but when you do your "Late Breaking News" posts, you make me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants.

You should be on TV!


Mom L said...

Those are hilarious!!! I think I'd better start reading my own weekly more carefully! Your stories remind me of the ones my daughter reported from the local paper when she lived on Grand Cayman Island - one I remember was a report on "a cow was reported eating from a resident's breadfruit tree.."

Nancy in SW Iowa

dirtyduck said...

cat problem solved

brilliant!!!!!this IS so funny!!! i loved it all each one was excellent!

Angie Litterst said...

I've come back and read this several times. Each time I just crack up. Those are great and your comments are even better.

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